Festival fashion faux pas of summer 2013

We all know how important festival fashion is, so to help you out, we here at The Upcoming have devised a little rulebook of things to avoid. You’re welcome.

Om nom nom shorts

There are those in this world who insist on wearing bras that are too small, creating the horrendous four-boob overflow phenomenon. Now festival season is upon us, all we’ve been witnessing is the four-butt. Select shorts that at the very least, contain the whole of your butt-cheeks. When you’re wearing high-waisted shorts and your butt is falling out the bottom, it just looks like someone has done the cruelest wedgie ever.

Elaborate rave gear

Guys, a bikini is not appropriate clothing if you’re not near a vast body of water, fact. And those furry leg boot things? Just not practical in festival world. Let’s face it, the slutty yeti look should have disappeared from UK festivals a long time ago.

Full costume

It will be hilarious for maybe an hour. Then the mud will have crept up to your knees, there’ll be beers stains all down you and you’ll be hotter than the Sahara. In addition to this, everyone will try and steal part of said costume. Play it safer kids, and maybe go for something a little more chilled.

Too huge headdresses

You’re not a Native American, and nobody standing behind you will be able to see anything. Leave the feathers at home and go for a neat and compact little headband if you want to accessorise your festival look.

Crazy colourful… accessories…

You may think rolling around in a rainbow makes you look excellent, but we’re sorry, you just look a bit like you went crazy with £5 in Claire’s Accessories. You girls are better than that, so go for matching colours in jazzy prints instead.

Leotards going solo

We love leotards. They are perfect for festivals. Just don’t forget your shorts/trousers/leggings/any kind of bottom attire. No matter how amazing your bod is, don’t be that girl wandering around in JUST a leotard.

An abundance of fringe

A little bit of fringe is good. Great in fact. But when your whole outfit is homage to the fringing gods then you’re going to get into trouble. You’re going to get tangled with people whilst dancing around listening to acts, it’s going to rip and get trailed in mud and who knows what other floor substances.

“Hilariously” offensive tees

Come on guys. Tops with phrases such as “Easy F*ck” or “C*nt” written on them (both of which have been witnessed by yours truly) is the fashion version of second-hand smoking. We know this is going to blow your mind, but there are a lot of people in the world who don’t really like swearing that much. Keep it clean and remember, in the festival fashion rulebook, YOLO counts as an expletive. Seriously.

We apologize for the harsh truths, so here are some festival fashion winners. Keeping it simple works a charm, especially when you’re going to be slumming it in tents for several nights. Your staples are as follows:

Wellies – But not those silly ankle ones. They do nothing.

Denim shorts – Good ones go with everything.

An oversized shirt – Versatile for the UK’s crazy weather.

A pair of cheap plimsolls – Because flip-flops break, and don’t protect your feet from stomping moshers.

And finally, the optional favourite…

Obnoxiously round sunglasses. They’re just fabulous.

Elizabeth Finney