United We Fall

Not to be confused with the 2010 documentary of the same name about the North American Union, which is reportedly very good, mockumentary  United We Fall is about five fictional ex-Manchester United football players and is less commendable.

It is written and directed by Gary Sinyor, the man responsible for Bob the Butler (which he co-wrote and directed) and The Story of F***, which he produced and which earned an impressively low 2.4/10 rating on IMDB, and he is back to bring us another questionable comedy.

The cast are mostly TV actors in the early stages of their careers who have been placed in roles based on trite stereotypes that are potentially offensive. Particularly objectionable are Kwasi “Modo” Amoako (played by Matthew Avery), a near brain-dead Ghanian player who loves rap music and tells us about how he learned to play football back in Africa by kicking a zebra’s head around, and German goalkeeper Kurt “Kurtzie” Kurtz (Jonathon Broke putting on a bad accent), who loves techno music, has no sense of humour and has an obese wife named Gertie.

The film is put together horribly and moves from player to player as they are interviewed individually about ridiculous events like losing a match because Stevo Fallis (get it?!) decided to tie his teammate Kwasi’s shoelaces together as a joke. This interview formula makes up about an hour of the torturous 90-minute run time, and is only disrupted by a scene about 45 minutes in where the five reunite for a dinner party. The scene is cut short by more interviews and by the time it is bizarrely returned to right at the end, we’ve forgotten all about it.

The dinner party scene is possibly the worst part of the film: we are forced to endure a tidal wave of secondhand embarrassment as the actors improvise around Sinyor’s dire script. Kwasi has now converted to Islam and is forcing his wife to wear a burka, tough northerner Danny Keegon (Ryan Pope) is now gay, and narcissist Olly Hunter (Jack Donnelly) talks about designing a line of nappies with his face printed inside and is caught getting to know Kwasi’s wife under the table.

It is hard to believe that this spectacularly moronic film is being released in cinemas. How it will fare only time will tell.

Steve Mallon

United We fall is released nationwide on 17^th October 2014.

Watch the trailer for United We Fall here.