Polyamory: Withdrawal from responsibility or absolute trust?

Nowadays, people are often encouraged to follow their desires, no matter what. It’s not surprising that polyamorous relationships aren’t as rare as they used to be. Monogamy feels unnatural to many people, so they start looking for a solution that won’t destroy their relationships. Couples then introduce someone new in the bedroom or start seeing other people without changing anything else. It can make sex lives better in a functional way, but that’s also why an incentive for less mature people to engage in polygamous dating: it looks like an easy way out of responsibility. But is polyamory the best way to connect with a partner, when it’s done right?

Definition and general considerations

First things first: the difference between polyamory and polygamy.

• Polyamory: having intimate relationships with more than one person at the time

• Polygamy: more long-term than polyamory because members are married (not as popular as polyamory)

Most people nowadays want to experience polyamory, not polygamy, because they see it as a good way of trying new things. That has led to the creation of dating sites offering the possibility to join as a couple and look for partners online. Clearly this has been an enormous relief for polyamorous daters – and meeting each other online means they are safe from prejudices some people still have. Today any couple seeking women can find bisexual girls looking to connect with open-minded couples, and of course there are men looking for the same. Of course, the chat is rarely dull, and singletons exchange explicit content with couples on the site, but polyamory isn’t only about sex. There must be chemist and trust – otherwise, it could ruin their relationship. That’s why many couples talk about rules before meeting girls on dating sites. Other than the public opinion that polyamory is just the product of lust, there are some more obstacles polyamorous people have to face, and some common misconceptions. Those not in the know sometimes think those involved in polyamory spread STDs around, and that’s no truer than for anyone else seeking consensual sexual liaisons. It’s such a silly assumption, and there’s no need to explain how protection works! Another commonly held and often misguided belief is that someone always gets hurt in the end, which is no more true than for a monogamous relationship: there is always a risk. Even if the relationship lasts forever, one side will suffer when their partner dies. There is no painless path in love, so the risk of getting hurt shouldn’t stop people from looking for what they need.

Polyamory in homosexual and heterosexual relationships

Some people think that they have to be bisexual to engage in polyamory. That’s not true – gay couples can introduce someone new into their sex lives and be polyamorous without venturing outside of their norm. When straight couples seek polyamorous adventures, in many cases they want to meet women who are either gay or bisexual. It rarely happens that another 100% straight girl joins a heterosexual couple. It can cause jealousy and competition, and that risk is there for gay couples too. Lesbian couples also seek other likeminded women for polyamory. One the whole, the shared trait of all polyamorous relationships is that those involved are open to new things and want to make each other feel good. They can lift the spirits in the same way new decoration brightens up a home, but in order to safely have such a relationship and avoid disaster it’s important to be cautious. Someone who is single and looking for a couple (regardless of their sexual orientation) should them what they want to get out of the situation and ensure the answer is compatible with their desires. If it isn’t, it’s best not to force anything.

Couples seeking singles for dating should be on the same page about their preferences as well. If they can’t agree on the type of person they want, they can’t expect to be any good at polyamory.

Lust or trust?

For outsiders, it can seem that polyamory is a tool for horny people to assuage the lusty beasts within them. However, that’s rarely true – one of the many things everyone should know about polyamory is that in many cases lust isn’t the motive, though of course it can be for some singles and couples. In fact, most couples seeking polyamory do it to make their relationship better: letting someone new into the bedroom is a sign of the ultimate trust, not lust. Most people are too insecure to give comments about “hot” people in front of their partners, let alone invite them to join in. People in polyamorous relationships don’t have that problem – they know honesty is ok, and they don’t get upset if their partner finds someone else attractive. It doesn’t matter because they’re sure their relationship is safe. In many ways, polyamorous couples show more love and respect to each other than monogamous couples.

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